I'm sorry
by kittykomitty
Summary: Shikamaru is alive, but why does he feel so sad? Why can't he get her out of his head? His thoughts about a girl he'll never see again. [oneshot, ShikamaruTayuya]


A small one-shot that I've felt like writing. This happens during chapter 235 of the manga, when Temari and Shikamaru are waiting for the news from Tsunade and Shizune at the hospital.

This was written while I was listening to _California _by Mylene Farmer, and if you have that song then listen to it while reading this- it will make quite a good soundtrack.

* * *

I'm sorry.

I wish I could say it directly to you, I wish I could see your reaction to those three simple words, but that's impossible. You're dead, aren't you? You're dead because of me.

And I'm so sorry.

Why can't I stop thinking about you?

My friends, my fellow Leaf genins, my teammates are on the verge of death right now. The village's best medical-nins are working tirelessly, trying to save their lives. I might never speak to my best friend again.

Yet all I can think about is you. Your long unruly hair, your large brown eyes…

I even can't forget your short temper, your foul mouth…I can recall every word you've said to me, no matter how insulting you've meant it to be. They will stay with me forever, I know that for sure.

Why can't I forget you?

"There is no use in fidgeting,"- says Temari, sitting across from me.

"Sacrifice is an inevitable part of the mission. Didn't you receive emotion training?"

No one would understand this. They think I'm worried about my comrades. How can I explain that all I can think about is you?

They'll never understand why I recall every second of our short meeting. In fact, I don't understand it myself.

I'm no one to you. You're no one to me.

I'm lying to myself again. How can you be no one if I can't get you of my head while my teammates are dying?

I'm sorry.

I've only just meet you. I don't know anything about you.

I remember your name.

Your teammates called you by it.

You were called Tayuya.

I wonder if anyone has ever told you, how beautiful you are. How strange yet stunning your appearance is. I have Konoha's most beautiful genin on my team, yet she is nothing compared to you.

Probably, no one had ever told you that. Who would? Not your teammates. No, they never would have.

And not Orochimaru….Well, if he did, then you're probably better off dead.

I'm so sorry.

We've fought. You were smart. You would have probably been good at playing shogo. You could have been the first girl I've ever played with.

What am I saying? You were the enemy. That would have never changed.

I would have lost to you. You were simply stronger. You must have practiced your flute playing for hours everyday. And I am sometimes just too lazy to train.

Temari came. I guess I should be grateful to her.

But I am not.

All I can think about is your long hair.

All I want to hear is your voice just one more time.

You can say anything you want. I just want to hear your voice one last time.

I'm sorry.

Even if you're not dead, even if by chance you've survived, even if somebody from the Sound cared enough to come and pick your body…If we meet again, I'll have to kill you.

But at least you'll speak to me.

Your face becomes even more stunning when you are angry, did you know that?

And you are angry most of the times.

Girls are so troublesome…And you are the most troublesome one out of them all. You've nearly killed me.

And now I can't forget you.

Could I be in love with you?

I've never loved anyone.

Loving is troublesome.

And loving some one who was an enemy and who is dead is even worse.

But if I'm not, why can't I look at Temari without remembering the last time I saw you- a glimpse of your flaming hair from under the trees?

You won't even have a grave.

So I won't have a place to come to visit you.

But why would I want to?

I don't know.

If I love you…

Why is love such a painful, troublesome emotion?

Why must I hide it from everyone?

I won't be able to tell anyone about it. Not even my best friend.

I could visit the place where you died- I'll find it easily, the trees won't grow there again for a long time.

Would I want to?

I'm no goth to be visiting graveyards.

Do I love you?

I'll never understand myself.

But I can't forget you.

Your fierce determination.

If Konoha's kunoichi were a slightest bit like you, I would have had respect for women by now.

I'm sorry.

You girls sure a troublesome…

Were you a girl? You've seemed to try your best to be a boy. Must have been tough, competing everyday with your teammates, trying to get them to acknowledge you, to respect you.

I'm sorry.

I won't forget you.

You long hair, your brown eyes, your voice and even the deadly sound of your flute- it will all stay with me.

But I'll have to hide it.

All my thoughts will lead back to you.

But I'll have to hide it, because no one will ever understand.

I want to cry, but I know I can't.

I'm sorry, Tayuya.

I've loved you and I've got you killed.

I hope that if we meet again in some other life, you'll at least speak to me.

So I can hear your voice just one more time.

And say that I'm sorry.

* * *

Please, leave a review to tell me what you think.

Brought to you strait from the Abandoned Level's Asylym

from Mori.


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